He desires obedience.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my lung surgery. It has been quite a year. It's fitting that today, I share with you another milestone in this journey.

After a lot of tears, prayers, tears, counsel, tears, wrestling with God... I know that He is closing the door on my return to Nigeria.

Did I actually just type that???

I was able to surrender last week and every minute since... I am in the midst of intense grieving... a death has happened... and yet, He promises strength and peace, which I receive and praise Him for.

The basic explanation is that I know God has shut the door, that He has clearly spoken to me, and it was one of the hardest decisions of my life... but I desire to obey and that obedience requires putting the kids, my home, my life in Nigeria... on the altar... to love Jesus more than them... That my desires will die and be stripped away, as I keep my eyes on my first Love.

Regarding my health, my recent breathing test results are the same as last October. Thankfully not worse. Wish they were better. My CT scan is clear, praise God. One doctor is adamant I not return. The others say it is up to me. I still have symptoms that come and go and my breathing is affected by the air quality around me.

I don't know if God has closed the door due to my health or not... I just know that He has spoken.

SIM has been very gracious and patient with me. We are looking at various ministry opportunities for me with SIM in the US. At this time, I am still a missionary with SIM, supported by individuals, through my Support Account. Funds sent to my Ministry Account are still being sent to my SIM colleagues in Nigeria to cover the medical and nutrition costs of the kids. To my financial team... I appreciate your continued financial support during this time. I will keep you posted as decisions are made.

I am not at a place to make big decisions about my future. I still need to process this decision.

I will be flying to Tennessee on Saturday for a week of grief counseling at Fairhaven Ministries It will be very intense, but greatly needed, and I am very thankful for this opportunity.

When the time is right and if God releases me to return to Nigeria, whether just to say good-bye and get closure, or to move back... you can bet I will be on the next plane.

Until then, step by step.

I wanted to inform you and thank you for walking through this grieving process with me.

Specific prayer requests... There are many layers to this grief:

1) I wrote a letter to the children. Please pray for their tender hearts, as it must be hard for them to understand and comprehend. Pray they will know my love for them, but most importantly that they will desire to follow Jesus in their own lives, no matter the cost.

2) I will not return to pack up my house, sell my dogs, sell my truck, etc. These temporal things tug at my heart, as they symbolize my home and sanctuary in Jos. Pray that I will have clarity to make decisions from here and for strength for those in Jos who will do all the work.

3) Please pray that I will allow the grief to come when I am in Tennessee. I've been holding back because I am not sure how to handle it, but I desire to meet it head on and I know that Jesus has allowed this storm and will meet me in the midst of it. Praise Him. (Matthew 14:22-33)

Erin