Life lessons

I recently found out that I have been medically cleared to return to Nigeria! My doctors and SIM discussed my situation and agreed that I may return in May/June next year. Until then, I will work for SIM in Chicago as a recruiter and a mentor to people preparing to go into missions.

My journey the past 7 months has been an arduous, yet beautiful one. When I went in the hospital for my lung surgery, my doctor said I may never get to return to Nigeria. Oh, how my heart broke and I literally cried out to God from my hospital bed. "Why, Lord, would You give me such an intense passion for the children, only to take it away? Why, Lord, when You ask for people to go into the world, would you keep me from going?" I was confused, angry, and felt at a loss for words to what was going on in my heart. There were days when I just wanted to ignore God and not talk to Him, to just live my own life. Oh, praise HIM! for not allowing my heart to harden. Even in the dark moments, by His strength, I kept the lines of communication open with Him. I told Him exactly how I was feeling at that moment. If I was angry at Him, He knew. If I was tempted to rebel, He knew. Although in His infinite power He already knew my heart, He loved and continues to love to hear me tell it to Him. This brings the emotions, doubts and fears to the surface and into the light. When truth is exposed, darkness has no power - it must flee in the presence of light.

I admit that at first, I was a very determined lady. I insisted, to anyone who asked, that I was definitely going back to Nigeria. I could not imagine otherwise. Over the weeks of a slow and painful physical recovery, my spirit was also recovering. The Lord promises to heal us, but not necessarily physically. His utmost desire is that we love Him above ourselves and that we love His people. In His gentle way, He revealed to me that to move forward in any way, without His blessing, would not only be foolish, but potentially dangerous. Were my desires His desires? Were my thoughts His thoughts? Was I really willing to obey Him, even if it meant not allowing me to see my children in Nigeria again, my dogs, my house, my dear friends? It was not an easy or fast process. God used His people, His Word, and His voice on many occasions to speak truth in the midst of my storm of emotions.

Over the months, through the lessons I was learning, I began to feel waves of peace and contentment. I desperately wanted to hold onto them, but then I would look at pictures of Nigeria, or I would have a difficult time breathing, and then discouragement would come again. God really does not want us to let our feelings dictate the way we live and the decisions we make. We are emotional beings, but so many times I find that my emotions are so much all over the place that I can't trust myself. Good. Oh, that I will not trust in man, money, health, circumstances... that my decisions and passions should come from knowing Him, from desiring Him, from trusting Him -- the One who created me and knows me so much better than I know myself.

By the time I went for a week of hospital tests in Colorado in October, I was full of contentment and peace and really expected to be told that I could not return to Nigeria. Of course, I still really wanted to return, but since God had been teaching me so many lessons, I figured it was to prepare me to really let go of my life in Nigeria. So, you can imagine my surprise when the doctor told me that he would clear me to go back to Nigeria. I have 'constrictive bronchiolitis', meaning that my lungs trap air and don't expel it as efficiently as they should. However, he feels that it is mild and should not worsen. The dry season in Nigeria (Oct - April) would irritate and cause coughing, so that is why I am not returning until May/June.

Life lessons have been taught to me by Jehovah Rapha, our God Who Heals. I praise Him that I was able to discern His voice, to continue communicating with Him, to daily/hourly choose to let go.... and in letting go, I have received His heart's desire for me... for I am His heart's desire. And so are you.



"Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let Your steadfast love be upon us, O Lord, be upon us, even as we trust in You." Psalm 33:20-22.