Suffering and Surrender

My mind is always going a mile a minute. It seems I am constantly thinking about Nigeria, the differences of life in America, the blessings I have, the pain I am feeling (physical and emotional), frustration, grief (missing Nigeria SO much), gratitude for all the love and support from family, friends and supporters, anger at being limited physically, joy when playing cards with my mom or having a good chat with my dad, laughter with my brother who makes funny comments with a smirk.... My prayers have consisted of tears, thanksgiving, questions, anger, asking for help to surrender, to trust, to obey, to listen to His voice... but God has not been speaking to me in ways I sometimes hope (I want Him to tell me what is next in my life and what to expect). However, He keeps asking me/telling me to surrender. At first I was like - hello, I did surrender! You plead for workers for the harvest, and I went and I love it and I am desperate to go back. How prideful of me.

But He has gently been teaching me over the past few months that it really is a daily surrender - I now understand Hebrews 13:5 - a sacrifice of praise - trusting and praising Him even if I don't feel like it and that it is to be daily (Romans 12).

A year ago a friend told me about a book, 'Hinds Feet on High Places'. When I was on my way home in April, God told me to read the book. I dragged my feet (because I figured whatever He wanted to teach me from it would require obedience :0) because once He speaks, you gotta respond.)....., but finally ordered it. I am so glad I did.

It is an allegory about a character 'Much Afraid' who has two traveling companions 'Sorrow' and 'Suffering'. (hmmm) They are on a journey to get to the High Places, where the Shepherd lives and promises joy and freedom. They face many obstacles, including traveling through a desert, with the High Places out of sight.

When they reach the desert, Much Afraid cries out to the Shepherd, "You really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why ( and there was a sob of anguish in her voice ) it may be months, even years before that path leads me back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do You mean it is indefinite postponement?'

The Shepherd replied 'It is only postponement for the best to become possible... Do you love Me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise and go down there with me into the desert?'

He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when He would bring her back.

Much Afraid replied with tears and trembling, "Even if You cannot tell me why it has to be, I will go with You, for You know that I do love You, and You have the right to choose for me anything that You please." pgs 109,110

The last couple months have been a roller coaster of emotions, as various people offer their advice about what decision I should make regarding living in Nigeria. At first, and at times still do, I blocked them out because they were not saying what I wanted to hear.

But as I pray, read the Word and this book, I am constantly convicted that I need to trust the Lord. I don't know what He wants yet, in regards to my living in Nigeria. But I do know what He requires of me now, and I pray He gives me the strength to obey.

Here are a few quotes in the accompanying devotion that have jumped out at me:

"One way to suffer is to have what you do not want, and want what you do not have."pg.113

"If we hold anything to ourselves, refusing to give it to Jesus, or if we do not obey a request He makes of us, then that has blocked His voice to us. We need to give those things to Him and get back into His companionship."pg.119

"He will never waste our sorrows... Let me never be found resisting what you are birthing or bringing forth in me."pg.117

One day at a time, right? That's what He commands of us. Thank goodness.