(This is perhaps my longest blog ever. So grab a cup o joe and read on about a day in the life...)
I had shared on my March Prayer Calendar that the father of two of our boys, Stephen (15yrs) and Matthew (13yrs), was dying of liver failure. Three weeks ago, a co-worker and I visited him in his home. I asked him that when he dies, what will he tell God is the reason he should be allowed into heaven. His answer was "Only God knows." We shared with him about the grace of Jesus and even though he was an alcoholic for years and he neglected his kids, that God will still accept him. That day, the angels rejoiced as Felix received God's love and grace!!!
Felix passed away last Thursday.
Last Friday was an all-day affair with the family of Matthew and Stephen. It was so totally Nigerian in all aspects. My friend and co-worker, Alex, went to the boys home in the morning at 7am to meet with the eldest uncle (bro of deceased) bc he is to make all the decisions. Only to find out that they were waiting for an even older male relation to show up. So Alex returned to Transition House and he called me to meet with him and Elisha (supervisor) to decide what our role should be in all of this. We needed to find a vehicle to carry the body, first of all. They asked if I would be willing to carry it in my truck and I said no way jose! So we sent a staff to the hosptial to see if we could rent their 'ambulance'. Then we called around looking for another vehicle that we knew we would need to haul the family to the burial.
So we got confirmation that the ambulance was available. Alex and I, with some other staff, headed to the boys home. We got there and a group of about 15 people were sitting outside and in the midst of them was a very old man. Come to find out that he is the elder of the family, yet Matthew and Stephen have never even met him before! Yet, he is the one to make all the decisions. Apparently this happens a lot - at weddings and funerals - that relatives just show up to make decisions and maybe even get money (at weddings). So this 80 yr old man is supposed to be making decisions. But it is now 11am and they have not even decided where Baba is going to be buried. So the male staff head off to find something to eat while I sit with Matthew and all the mamas, watching life go on around us.
So we got confirmation that the ambulance was available. Alex and I, with some other staff, headed to the boys home. We got there and a group of about 15 people were sitting outside and in the midst of them was a very old man. Come to find out that he is the elder of the family, yet Matthew and Stephen have never even met him before! Yet, he is the one to make all the decisions. Apparently this happens a lot - at weddings and funerals - that relatives just show up to make decisions and maybe even get money (at weddings). So this 80 yr old man is supposed to be making decisions. But it is now 11am and they have not even decided where Baba is going to be buried. So the male staff head off to find something to eat while I sit with Matthew and all the mamas, watching life go on around us.
Some time later another uncle and the pastor show up and get in a heated discussion with the Baba bc he is just sitting on his toosh and not doing anything and here we are with 3 vehicles, 10 staff, and ready to help but cannot make any decisions for them. It should be noted that the hospital does not have a refrigerator or whatever they are supposed to have for corpses, so the body is laying in a room, in a very hot place. So, you can imagine what is happening to the body. SO when Baba suggests we wait til the next day, the uproar (ladies included) caused a scene. Although Stephen is the oldest son of his father, he is not old enough to be able to make decisions.
Elisha comes back from eating and the pastor pulls Elisha and me aside and says that the family has not even started building a casket for the body (by this time it is about 2pm). I am getting frustrated bc they are really taking no responsibility at all. But I also realize that the dad had been an alcoholic for years and this had taken a toll on the family, so perhaps they just felt like they did not need to help or give a proper burial. So, for the boys sake, we said that the minsitry would provide the casket. So off Elisha and Alex go to find a builder. By this point I was really hungry, so Stephen, Matthew and Uncle Ade and I wondered off to find a hole in the wall restaurant to eat some good food and down a bottle of Coke. The boys were at peace and were really amazing. They joked a little, although it was obvious their hearts were heavy.
So we return to the house. By then they had decided where to bury the body and some men had gone off to start digging. Now I need to say that this whole time the cell phone network had been down, so no one could call anyone. That just added to the whole thing. Once we get back to the house we wonder what we are to do next. Two staff decide to head to the hospital to see if Elisha and Alex had shown up with a casket. However, the family left with us had no idea where the burial site was. So we waited til the older brother showed up and then we piled in my truck to head to the hospital. Because now, Stephen and Matthew were supposed to clean the body and dress it!
So we show up at the hospital around 5pm and thankfully the guy was around to open the door to the hot room. By this time we had accumulated about 7 male staff, so they went in with the boys and did their thing. I cannot even imagine how that must have been. I kept getting teary eyed. Then Mama of the father went in to view his body and came out wailing so then I lost it a bit. But that's ok. However, the boys came out dry eyed - what IS it with men all over the world??
The casket was put in the ambulance and we followed it through town back near where Stephen and Matthew live. But then turned down a really rocky road. The road ended so we all got out and I just started trekking down the hilly path with Matthew and some of the women. It kept going and going and sure enough, I looked back to see that the casket and men had not followed us. So we waited at this place overlooking the valley, which is apparently a graveyard of sorts, tho you would never have guess it. The ambulance showed up about 40 min later, having found a different road.
Then they carried the casket down the rocky hill to the site, where the short service was done. Again, Aunty Erin started crying when Matthew gave a short speech about his dad and then the boys threw dirt on the casket.
Walking back to the car Matthew told me that I should not cry because he will see his father again. And one of the women said I need to be strong for the boys. Hogwash. That is one of the most frustrating parts of this culture - the lack of understanding the need to grieve and express emotions in a healthy way. Somehow they (and other Christians in the world) feel that crying shows lack of faith.
The day finally ended around 7pm. I thought. But then I got called to the hospital bc one of our boys had broken his arm playing soccer. Well I got him sorted out and finally went home, exhausted.
A day in the life.
Elisha comes back from eating and the pastor pulls Elisha and me aside and says that the family has not even started building a casket for the body (by this time it is about 2pm). I am getting frustrated bc they are really taking no responsibility at all. But I also realize that the dad had been an alcoholic for years and this had taken a toll on the family, so perhaps they just felt like they did not need to help or give a proper burial. So, for the boys sake, we said that the minsitry would provide the casket. So off Elisha and Alex go to find a builder. By this point I was really hungry, so Stephen, Matthew and Uncle Ade and I wondered off to find a hole in the wall restaurant to eat some good food and down a bottle of Coke. The boys were at peace and were really amazing. They joked a little, although it was obvious their hearts were heavy.
So we return to the house. By then they had decided where to bury the body and some men had gone off to start digging. Now I need to say that this whole time the cell phone network had been down, so no one could call anyone. That just added to the whole thing. Once we get back to the house we wonder what we are to do next. Two staff decide to head to the hospital to see if Elisha and Alex had shown up with a casket. However, the family left with us had no idea where the burial site was. So we waited til the older brother showed up and then we piled in my truck to head to the hospital. Because now, Stephen and Matthew were supposed to clean the body and dress it!
So we show up at the hospital around 5pm and thankfully the guy was around to open the door to the hot room. By this time we had accumulated about 7 male staff, so they went in with the boys and did their thing. I cannot even imagine how that must have been. I kept getting teary eyed. Then Mama of the father went in to view his body and came out wailing so then I lost it a bit. But that's ok. However, the boys came out dry eyed - what IS it with men all over the world??
The casket was put in the ambulance and we followed it through town back near where Stephen and Matthew live. But then turned down a really rocky road. The road ended so we all got out and I just started trekking down the hilly path with Matthew and some of the women. It kept going and going and sure enough, I looked back to see that the casket and men had not followed us. So we waited at this place overlooking the valley, which is apparently a graveyard of sorts, tho you would never have guess it. The ambulance showed up about 40 min later, having found a different road.
Then they carried the casket down the rocky hill to the site, where the short service was done. Again, Aunty Erin started crying when Matthew gave a short speech about his dad and then the boys threw dirt on the casket.
Walking back to the car Matthew told me that I should not cry because he will see his father again. And one of the women said I need to be strong for the boys. Hogwash. That is one of the most frustrating parts of this culture - the lack of understanding the need to grieve and express emotions in a healthy way. Somehow they (and other Christians in the world) feel that crying shows lack of faith.
The day finally ended around 7pm. I thought. But then I got called to the hospital bc one of our boys had broken his arm playing soccer. Well I got him sorted out and finally went home, exhausted.
A day in the life.
(I said in the beginning that the day was very Nigerian. What I meant was that, due to poverty, most people cannot plan ahead because there is no money to plan with. They survive hand-to-mouth. To Americans, it may seem crazy that the family did not have any plans for when Felix died. This is because they are a very poor family and just hope they will get food for each day. )
Allah ya ba mu karfi! - May God give us strength!
2 comments:
Wow!
How exciting to come across your blog. It sounds like you are experiencing some pretty tough, but amazing things and being used by God in some great ways. I have been searching for some information on Nigeria as I will be moving there in June as a missionary. It is nice to get a perspective from someone of similar age and background. I will be moving to Owerri in Imo State which I guess is a bit farther south than you. I am wondering if conditions are considerablly different depending on where in the country you are?
hey erin ya ya jiki? loved readin ur stories. so great bout stevens dad comin to know Jesus,i must have 4gotten! u had a rough time last week, hope u r feelin much better and ready for next week! must go sleep,its late 11.30! we will be thinkin of u tomoro mornin at study. ive been a martha this week as havent started my homework yet!
love jayne
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