Please be gentle

For many, the Christmas season is a jumble of emotions. We think of where we were this time last year, what our hopes were, dreams were, expectations were... Some of you have lost people very close to you and you can't wait until Christmas is over, so that you won't be forced to remember past Christmas celebrations with the loved ones who are no longer with you.

Christmas brings hope - a reminder that Jesus came to earth and lived a perfect life - yet still was ridiculed, slandered, abused, rejected and betrayed - but He endured and was victorious.

Last night I was reading a blog of a family who lost their 10 week old son to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and I was grieving along with them. Their pain is much deeper than I can fathom, yet I can identify with the loss of their hopes, dreams and plans.

These days, my mind and prayers are all over the place... seeking God for clarity, hope, perseverance in the midst of unclear situations and many questions... I am thankful to be walking through this time and not escaping from it or allowing myself to be distracted from the reality of the depth of my need for the One who will be constant in the midst of lifes storms. Throughout Scripture, God allows His people to walk through the pain, to suffer, to endure, to be sanctified through loss -- to completely depend on Him, for we cannot trust ourselves. Sometimes it was a quick deliverance, but most of the time, Scripture shows a long process of peeling back the layers of pride, self-reliance, selfish motivations, etc... to bring the people/person to the place God intended them to be.

For those of us who have surrendered our lives to Jesus, the Holy Spirit is with us and He will speak to us, guide us, and comfort us (John 16). He declares Truth to us - which is so comforting since we live in a world of lies and false promises.

My journey is not a unique one - many of you have experienced deep loss in your lives. My loss of health, home, dreams, etc just happened all at once... but it doesn't make my loss any worse than yours. Some people don't understand, and if they haven't experienced loss, or if they have but just didn't allow themselves to feel the loss... how can they relate? Some people think that I should get over it, move on, forget Nigeria... well, ok, but no I won't. I am resistant to allow myself to be on anyone's time table except for God's. I am not saying that I know what I am doing - not by a long shot - but I have learned that for most of my life, I just smoothed things over with a smile. Not anymore... I want God to dig deep and take as long as it takes to heal from the inside out. It's not just about Nigeria - it's about living a live of genuine emotions, of being 'real' and vulnerable, about really letting God search my heart and point out any area that is not completely surrendered to Him. Saying good-bye to Nigeria was just the beginning on this road of healing, of sanctification, of hope...

I don't live in despondency or hopelessness. God has actually given me great joy and peace in the midst of this season of uncertainty and transition. I love living in Chicago and am so thankful for the friends I have and the opportunities I have to serve the church body. I am not in depression and I am not lazy. One day at a time, by only God's grace and power, am I sustained to look ahead and to love God and love people for that day. He will give strength for the next day. I am learning to love the present. To not think too far into the future. I am learning to be ok with times of rest and loneliness. I am learning to be ok with not living a fast-paced life and taking time to rest when I need to. I am learning to be ok with not knowing everything - or anything at all! I am learning to using this time in my life to relate to the loss others are going through - marriage, financial, relationships, etc... It has really been wonderful to see how God is weaving all of our lives together for our good and for His glory! Every time God teaches me a big lesson, He then brings someone into my life to share with and to encourage them with... it's a beautiful cycle.


Here is a poem that I found that expresses exactly how I feel and, perhaps, how many of you are feeling, too...

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'Why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through the tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in the journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?


All around us, people are hurting. Especially during this season. But there is Hope through Jesus Christ. It is all about Him - every pain, loss, joy, challenge... it is all about Him - for He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords... as we take our eyes off of ourselves and focus on Him... the peace that surpasses all understanding will reign in our hearts. Thank You, Jesus! Amen!