Yes, so much has been happening and I am internally processing so many things. I sometimes wonder what is beneficial to share with the cyberspace world. And then, I suppose, if I keep things focused on HIM, and not on me, then perhaps others can benefit. Sharing my life experiences, challenges, trials, blessings, etc on a computer screen is therapeutic for me and, if someone else is blessed, yeah for that!
At least once a week I think "oh, I need to share this on my blog" and then I hesitate or forget. And so, wow, a month or more goes by and here we are... Some random tidbits...
** I found an apartment in Chicago! It is on the 18th floor and looks out over the lake. It is really a gift and praise pours out of my mouth every day when I sit out on the balcony, when I get home after a long day, when I wake up and see the lake from my bed - thank you Jesus! Lesson I have learned from this - I resisted this apartment SO much because I didn't feel like God really wanted me to have it. I know I am very adaptable and have slept in various kinds of places and know that I don't need to have nice things. I literally argued with God for two days about this place - I kept trying to find all sorts of loop holes as to why I shouldn't get it - and He kept taking care of each one. The root of it all - I really didn't believe that He wanted to give this amazing gift to me. He was excitedly providing and what was my response? "No, really? Seriously, I don't need this. I've lived in a Third World Country, God, I can be happy with much less., yadda, yadda, yadda.." And on and on and on I went. And then, tada, the lights went on - I LOVE to give people gifts, mostly because of their reactions to the gifts. My reaction was so ridiculously self-deprecating and resistant to His love.... thanks for insisting, God! I love it and, while I hold it loosely and know that materialistic things don't bring lasting joy, I am enjoying every minute of this gift of beauty and safety!
** When I left Nigeria in May 2008, I thought I would only be gone for two months. As a result, I of course left my house as it was. When I realized a few months ago that I would not be returning, one of the most difficult parts of that decision was what to do with my house in Nigeria? God provided some incredible ladies there who worked many hours to sort through, pack up and sell my things. Most of my belongings were sold last week, except for sentimental things that are slowly coming back to me through travelers. This has been a very painful process for me because I am a very sentimental person. Something that looks worthless to you will be precious to me because of the memory attached to it. It has been hard to let go and allow others to go through all of my belongings and for them to make decisions about what may or may not be important.
God used Hebrews 10 to really help me, especially verse 34: you joyfully accepted the plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one.
I can't say it has been a joyful process, emotionally, but I can say that I have tried to choose to be joyful and thankful, even if I don't feel like it. This situation has really humbled me to think about what value I put on things that will burn and how much do I really value Jesus, Who has saved me from eternal death??
So, I basically don't have much now, compared to many, but I have an abundance compared to many. Make sense? Practically speaking - I used paper towels to dry off after a shower for a week because I didn't have any towels. I slept on a couch for two weeks because I didn't have a bed. I ate off of paper plates until yesterday, because I didn't have any dishes. But was this an issue? No! It really doesn't matter, does it? In the midst of the questions, pain, loneliness, uncertainty, vulnerability of this season, the Lord God has taken me to a different level with Him. A clearer understanding of what matters. A deeper sense of dependence upon Him.
Plus, it has been so amazing to be loved by God through His people - last night someone gave me some plates (remember, just yesterday I used my last paper plate!), towels, some kitchen stuff; another lady has offered some furniture; another man has offered me a table and others have offered household items. What a blessing that my apartment will be full of gifts and tangible reminders of God's love and provision.
** I've been seeing a counselor weekly, sometimes twice a week, since January. It has been so very helpful! Sometimes I walk out of her office just shaking my head thinking "Will this learning process ever stop? When will I get it?" other times I walk out with a huge smile on my face and praise in my heart as I reflect on the healing that is taking place. Every time I thank God for showing up, for revealing so much about His character and my need for Him... every time! A few things I am meditating on from recent sessions: before I do something I need to check my motivation: am I doing it because I feel guilty?convicted?joyful? Too many times I am motivated by guilt, either that I put on myself, that others put on me, or that I perceive from others. Yikes! God says there is no condemnation for His children, through Jesus Christ, so Erin, be free!
Today my counselor encouraged me to write a letter of closure to myself - to write as much as possible, as long as necessary, to facilitate a sense of closure of a season of life. Hmm, that sounds a bit painful. Am still chewing on that one. She's also encouraging me to be secure in my relationship with the Lord, to see myself through His eyes, to receive His confidence - that sounds better and am all about this!
** I am looking for a nursing job in Chicago and could really use your prayers. I have an idea of what I want to do and am currently researching all the jobs here in Chicagoland, working on my resume, and preparing for a couple mock interviews with helpful friends.
** I absolutely love Chicago! It is NOT all about cold weather, folks. Summertime is fantastic because the weather is so mild (July avg of 69 degrees!) and there are lots of free things to see and do. The first two pics are when Holly and I went to Millenium Park. There are two large (in blue) glass structures that act as fountains and video player! For 13 minutes, a video of a real person's face is on the 'waterfall', blinking, staring, etc. After 13 minutes, the person puckers his/her lips and 'blows' - then a part of the wall opens up (right at the mouth of the video) and water 'spits' out. Totally cool! The water is only 1/8 in deep, so even really small kids get to take
advantage of it.
Also, throughout the summer, Chicago Summer Dance offers free dance lessons and live music three times a week. Susan and I went last week on African Dance Night :-) I actually met Susan in Nigeria - she was there for two years with SIM! I am very thankful for her friendship because she really 'gets me' and she knows exactly what I am talking about, who I am missing, and why Nigeria is now and forever will be a part of me - because she feels the same way.
Whew - ok, Hazel, how did I do?
