I walked out.

Yesterday I had a lustful thought.


Today I called a driver a certain something when he almost ran me off the road. (Not a great word to be saying as I would go to Jesus' arms, so I am glad that wasn't the last word of my life.)


Tonight I was angry, bitter, and jealous all at the same time. And that was right after I prayed to be free from the anger, bitterness and jealousy.


This is what goes on in my mind:

I'm pretty. I'm ugly. I'm popular. No one likes me. I'm successful. I'm a failure. I'm godly. I'm hopeless. I'm encouraging. People hate a suck-up. People look up to me. People are tired of me. I'm creative. I'm manipulative. I'm wise. Stupid! I'm full of faith. I'm full of something else. I'm a leader. I grovel for attention. I'm accepted. Rejected! I have so many great friends. I'm alone. I'm a hard worker. Can I be any more lazy? I'm an excellent nurse. Who would want to hire me? The kids in Nigeria miss me like crazy. Auntie Erin, who? I have a way with words. Shut my mouth and give them a break. They're blessed to know me. They are tired of me. I'm a great communicator. I have an ugly voice. I'm a great friend. Then why aren't I a better friend? I am strong. What a wimp. I hear God's voice. What a joke! I make a difference. I'm wasting my breath. I'm getting healthier. I'm afraid of sickness. I have a servant's heart. They don't want my help. I'm so forgiving. What a pushover! I have healthy boundaries. Don't be so rigid.

I am forgiven. Condemnation screams. I am accepted. Rejection mimics. I am free. Cell door locks.

And then....

In the prison I walked right into...

With the guilty sentence I accepted...

Slumped on the floor of the cell in defeat...

He speaks.

Yes, you lusted. But you quickly recognized it, asked for forgiveness, and redirected your thoughts.

Yes, you cussed. So, train your mouth to not cuss again by having My word on your tongue and in your heart.

Yes, you were angry, bitter and jealous. Yes, you harbored those thoughts for even a minute too long. But, you saw it for what it was. A cheap shot by a weak enemy. And you battled against those thoughts with Truth. And you were victorious.

I don't see sin when I look at you. I see purity. I see righteousness. I see love.

I see my Son.

He died for you so that you can stay out of prison. So that you won't accept the guilty sentence that the enemy of your soul taunts you with. When you accepted Him as your Savior from your sins, that is exactly what He became. Your Savior. He saved you. He took the guilt, the prison sentence, the slow death of sin.

My Son, Jesus, He died. But, He came back to life! He is now with Me and talks to Me about you and intercedes on your behalf. My Spirit is in you to share My heart with you. Listen to My voice. Listen to the Truth of who you are and Who you belong to.

Child, I rejoice over you. I am giddy at the thought of you. I desire your attention. You are My creation, the art of My hands, the beauty of My thoughts, the adoration of My affections.

Stand up. Look forward. Shoulders back. Head held high.

And walk right out of that prison.

Please be gentle

For many, the Christmas season is a jumble of emotions. We think of where we were this time last year, what our hopes were, dreams were, expectations were... Some of you have lost people very close to you and you can't wait until Christmas is over, so that you won't be forced to remember past Christmas celebrations with the loved ones who are no longer with you.

Christmas brings hope - a reminder that Jesus came to earth and lived a perfect life - yet still was ridiculed, slandered, abused, rejected and betrayed - but He endured and was victorious.

Last night I was reading a blog of a family who lost their 10 week old son to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and I was grieving along with them. Their pain is much deeper than I can fathom, yet I can identify with the loss of their hopes, dreams and plans.

These days, my mind and prayers are all over the place... seeking God for clarity, hope, perseverance in the midst of unclear situations and many questions... I am thankful to be walking through this time and not escaping from it or allowing myself to be distracted from the reality of the depth of my need for the One who will be constant in the midst of lifes storms. Throughout Scripture, God allows His people to walk through the pain, to suffer, to endure, to be sanctified through loss -- to completely depend on Him, for we cannot trust ourselves. Sometimes it was a quick deliverance, but most of the time, Scripture shows a long process of peeling back the layers of pride, self-reliance, selfish motivations, etc... to bring the people/person to the place God intended them to be.

For those of us who have surrendered our lives to Jesus, the Holy Spirit is with us and He will speak to us, guide us, and comfort us (John 16). He declares Truth to us - which is so comforting since we live in a world of lies and false promises.

My journey is not a unique one - many of you have experienced deep loss in your lives. My loss of health, home, dreams, etc just happened all at once... but it doesn't make my loss any worse than yours. Some people don't understand, and if they haven't experienced loss, or if they have but just didn't allow themselves to feel the loss... how can they relate? Some people think that I should get over it, move on, forget Nigeria... well, ok, but no I won't. I am resistant to allow myself to be on anyone's time table except for God's. I am not saying that I know what I am doing - not by a long shot - but I have learned that for most of my life, I just smoothed things over with a smile. Not anymore... I want God to dig deep and take as long as it takes to heal from the inside out. It's not just about Nigeria - it's about living a live of genuine emotions, of being 'real' and vulnerable, about really letting God search my heart and point out any area that is not completely surrendered to Him. Saying good-bye to Nigeria was just the beginning on this road of healing, of sanctification, of hope...

I don't live in despondency or hopelessness. God has actually given me great joy and peace in the midst of this season of uncertainty and transition. I love living in Chicago and am so thankful for the friends I have and the opportunities I have to serve the church body. I am not in depression and I am not lazy. One day at a time, by only God's grace and power, am I sustained to look ahead and to love God and love people for that day. He will give strength for the next day. I am learning to love the present. To not think too far into the future. I am learning to be ok with times of rest and loneliness. I am learning to be ok with not living a fast-paced life and taking time to rest when I need to. I am learning to be ok with not knowing everything - or anything at all! I am learning to using this time in my life to relate to the loss others are going through - marriage, financial, relationships, etc... It has really been wonderful to see how God is weaving all of our lives together for our good and for His glory! Every time God teaches me a big lesson, He then brings someone into my life to share with and to encourage them with... it's a beautiful cycle.


Here is a poem that I found that expresses exactly how I feel and, perhaps, how many of you are feeling, too...

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'Why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through the tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in the journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?


All around us, people are hurting. Especially during this season. But there is Hope through Jesus Christ. It is all about Him - every pain, loss, joy, challenge... it is all about Him - for He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords... as we take our eyes off of ourselves and focus on Him... the peace that surpasses all understanding will reign in our hearts. Thank You, Jesus! Amen!

It's not just about the sale

This is just tooo cool - I have to share! And it's not about what happens to me - it is about what happens afterwards and how it all fits together :-)

Ok, so it all started a couple months ago. A man at church knew that I was looking for a car to buy. He recommended a large dealership here in Chicago, and specifically two dealers that he had a good experience with previously. One of the men, Bob, is a Christian and the other one, Joe, is not (not their real names). My friend called ahead and 'introduced' me to these two men. I did not tell him what to say - but he explained the whole 'missionary' thing and I figured, well, might was well milk it for what it's worth at this point! :-)

So I arrived and quoted my very low budget and they just looked at me. Then said they would be right back. They came back and offered me a great deal on a great looking car (the make/model will remain anonymous --- keep reading to find out why). So, I bought the car and loved it. Before I left, the non-Christian dealer, Joe, looked at me and said "Erin, there is something different about you. I mean, I can't put my finger on it, but there's something special". I answered "The Lord has changed my life. He is Who you are seeing. I take no credit!". He just smiled and shook his head.

Within two weeks, all sorts of things were going wrong with the car, including the catalytic converter (have no idea), water pump (for what?) and the transmission (I know this is important!)... The guys were so apologetic and so kind and allowed me to return the car, which is super nice because usually a used car is sold 'as is' and sorry ma'am if you have any problems. I spent a lot of time with Joe discussing the problems as they came up, and he kept saying "Erin, man, there is something about you."

Well, I still needed a car. So I spent hours (yeah, I take awhile to make big decisions sometimes) in the dealership deliberating on what car, how much to spend, etc. They ended up giving me such a fantastic deal on a Honda Civic with very low mileage - they only made $28 on the deal!
I knew that they had actually lost money, because of all the time spent the past two weeks on the situation and because the first car was a total loss.

I was about to leave and I was contemplating about how gracious they had been and how I really felt that God not only guided me there to purchase a car, but that He is pursuing Joe's heart and that He wants Joe to know how important he is to God. So, Joe and I were about to close the deal and I was about to leave. We were walking past a brand new, white Hummer in the showroom.

God told me what to do.
I said "What?!"
He said "Do it".
Sigh.

"Hey Joe," I said. Joe turned around.

I put my hand on the Hummer and said with a lot more confidence than I felt, "I really appreciate all that you've done for me. I am going to pray that God will let you be the one to sell this Hummer."

Joe just chuckled and said "You do that."

So I get in my newly purchased "pre-owned" car and started talking to God. "Ahhh! How could you make me say that?! Joe sell the Hummer? It is a huge dealership - lots of employees. That is such an expensive car. How SOO specific is that?! Ok, Lord, it's Your reputation and glory on the line, not mine! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is an eternal purpose in my buying this car. I know that You are chasing Joe. I know that You want him to know he is important and valuable in Your sight. So, well, God... pllleeeeaaase let him sell that Hummer!"

And that's how my prayers went over the last few weeks.

Folks, I talked to Joe today.

HE SOLD THE HUMMER!!!!!
Wa-hoooo! Go God! Get the Glory!!!

ahhhhh.

It's so funny because I called Joe today with a question about my car and I wanted to say something about the Hummer and was thinking, "Man, I am going to sound foolish". Well.

"So, Joe, don't forget that I am praying that God will let you be the one to sell that Hummer." Cringe.

"Erin! I sold it on Saturday!"


Ahhh, may I become more of a fool, for the glory of God in His pursuit of peoples' souls.

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25